But I Don't Want To Be Alone
The fear of ending a relationship. What a terribly soul-crushing, self-belitting place to be in. I think we've all been there at some point in our lives - and I'm not just talking about a bf/gf relationship, I'm talking about all kinds. Friends, bands, universities, bosses, lovers.
There seems to be this primal part of ourselves that doesn't want to be alone. Maybe we believe that if someone else sees the good in us, if they love us, sex us, praise us, then we in turn are worth something to this world. We get a moment to look in the mirror and see ourselves as good at that one thing, smart, funny, musical, talented, sexy... important.
When I let someone else control me, manipulate me, even trick me into staying under their finger when I know I don't want to, it really only raises one question - what do I think of myself? I first read the line "we accept the love we think we deserve" when I was 14 years old and immersed in the BOOK (yes, it was once known as a book) The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Even at 14 this phrase hit me so damn hard.
Steven Pressfield, who I'm going to be mentioning a lot in these posts, first confronted me with the idea of "immediate validation". By the way, if you haven't realized, we live in a society that feeds off of immediate validation - this is why we keep checking to see how many likes our Facebook status got, how many tweets got retweeted, and how many people liked our instagram selfie we took this morning with our perfect bed-hair. So if we're seeking immediate validation, where a better place to get it than from a relationship? Also I'll use this moment to say if you're an artist and haven't heard of Pressfield's book "The War of Art" already, definitely check it out. It changed my life.
Keeping yourself in a hurtful relationship out of the fear of the unknown is the worst thing you can do to yourself, and even more, you're directly admitting that you don't think you deserve any better. How sad it is to watch people (or myself) succumb to the fear of being alone (now I'm actually talking about a love-type relationship) because you're so afraid to face yourself, without validation; without anyone holding your hand on the subway or speaking to you over the phone while you cry from the stresses of life, or being constantly amazed and in praise of all your achievements. Everyone looks for immediate validation, I know I certainly do.
Freeing yourself of immediate validation, of the noise, is your chance to invest in your quality of life. I'm talking about ALL of it - your friendships, your lovers, your career. When you face yourself, and truly love yourself for who you are in your isolated bedroom, that's when the best things come around. It's when you're finally in a relationship and in love, that every guy who's been in your life while you were alone starts to see just how amazing you are. It's when you're 100% invested and busy with your craft that more jobs land on your lap than you can accept. This is attraction. Desperation is ugly.
So on this Tuesday night, I'm lying in bed and my thoughts are racing a million miles an hour. I can't think of a time in my life when I was ever completely free of an unhealthy relationship - friendship/school/sports team/band/lover... you name it. But maybe this isn't about that heavenly place where no one controls you, but rather your ability to call them out on it, and most importantly to be ready to take a stand and face life without their reigns. Now you'll really see what you're made of, and you'll really see who you are.
Any decision made out of fear is the wrong decision.