Rejection

Rejection is a funny thing. Literally every time it happens to me I'm thinking "what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I so goddamn butt-hurt about this?". Please give me your two cents about this, but for me, rejection is more about the reflection I see of myself rather than about what I'm losing, and that's just totally bizarre and backwards.

The first phase of rejection, for me, is "well I didn't want you anyway, GOODBYE". I spend a solid 10 minutes feeling powerful, dominating, and I rise above the situation. I think about what I will say to that person when I see them again, how awesome my life is going to be without them, and how they're gonna realize tomorrow that they made a huge mistake. This is a false feeling and completely deluded. It's not long before the self-doubt creeps in and soon I start to reject myself.

I experienced a slew of somewhat-half-rejections recently. Like being half-let go or half-dumped, just enough to give you a good shot of self-deprication that flows through your blood stream, into your brain, and rips out your heart. I'm very dramatic, can you tell? It's been a long week.

After your initial false sense of pride and unaffectedness, you start to interalize the words. Oh no... this is bad bad bad. Do not internalize the words. What was initially a small comment by another person about your personality, your dedication, or your intentions becomes a mountain of shit falling on your head. I really couldn't think of a better metaphor but this one will do - shit rains on your head and it's windy too so it's even more uncomfortable and you start to question who you are and what you're about dear god have I always been this awful? How did I not know I'm this awful?! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?! Once again, the rejection has become you rejecting yourself, and you've completely stopped focusing on the person or thing you've lost. That's way in the past, and this is only the beginning of your battle with yourself.

That's when my next phase starts of aimlessly wandering. I start to not only question my value, but I also start to feel homeless and like I don't deserve nice things. I wander the streets and listen to only the sad songs on records, usually "Poses" by Rufus Wainwright, or all the sad songs by Sum 41 off of Chuck. I don't know why. It's even better when it's raining, because then I can super-wallow. I watch passers-by and think "don't look at me, with your rejection-detecting eyes. I'm hurt. I'm spoiled milk. I've got baggage. You're better off without even a glance in my direction". This level of dramaticism helps me reach the next stage.

Then I return home, and magically, somehow, I am fine. I'm totally fine. I even ask myself if I'm really fine or if I'm about to cry, and then nothing happens, and my life continues. I preheat my oven to make some pizza and answer emails, and it's like nothing ever happened. I remember that someone else's views on me literally has nothing to do with me. As it says in the book The Four Agreements (and I paraphrase, because I'm too lazy to get out the book and find the exact passage), don't take ANYTHING personally. When someone brings you down or rejects you, that's fine by all means for them - to each his own. But you realize this is someone measuring you up to a completely different set of values than your own, right? Like right now, if someone said to me "you're fat", I'd be like damn you have a completely different take on being fat than I do. Yes I think I'm gaining a little bit of stress weight but I'm not fat. If someone told me "you're being negligent and irresponsible", I would think, well, according to my personal set of values, no sir, I am not. And go fuck yourself.

After this phase, well, the rejection does still linger from time to time. But the important thing is to come to a place of closure for yourself. My words of advice to you - love the shit out of yourself and then no one can ever tear you apart, because you know you're awesome.

Go out into the world and be awesome!

PS - I'm going to keep writing to you until you speak up. I swear the posts will keep coming.

Sulene